My mind is like a mansion
With way too many rooms
Some days I enter the dark room
The one where my only source of light
Is a tender candle
A candle that at any given point
Can go out
Nothing but shadows for company
And the ghostly whispers
Of traumas long past
In the black hole void
That is my dark room
Would you like a tour
Of my mind palace?
Some days I get stuck in the haunted room
The one where every mistake I’ve ever made
Is projected onto a screen
The size of a footballfield
And replayed over and over and over
And I can’t leave the room
Until I can identify every mistake
And try to change the past
By doing something drastic in the present
Do you like the furniture
In my prefrontal cortex?
Some days I get pushed into the boxing room
The one that’s just one big boxing ring
And every look, word or touch
Can be the starting bell
For a violent outburst of anger
That I have no control over
And yet I never fight anyone else in there
It’s just me, myself and I
With no gloves, no judge, no victory
Until I K.O myself into oblivious sleep.
Please don’t trigger the amygdala alarm
I don’t know how to shut it off yet.
Some days I refuse to leave the playroom
The one where everything is purple and plushy and nice
Where my inner child can laugh and smile
With no fear of judgement or rejection
And everything is possible
And magic exists
And unicorns are the best thing ever
And I wanna be a princess
Or a horse trainer
Or possibly an astronaut
If the first two don’t work out
Would you like to have coffee
In my garden of painted roses?
Most days tho, I’m just hanging in limbo
A room that is neither here nor there
Where I can open a courtian if it gets dark
And see my partner smiling in through the window
A room where I can make a mistake
And not have a 3 hour struggle to correct it
A room where I can hear the fighting bell
And choose to use words instead of fists
A room where I know what my age is
And I can be the logical adult
(Can I still be an astronaut?)
Copyright © The CheeseDoodles Poet
The CheeseDoodles Chronicles 